B + T

I am wondering who might be a good wife # 4 for Tom Cruise. I think now that he has bad a redhead and two brunettes, he probably ought to go with a blonde. But which blonde in Hollywood lacks the requisite low self-image to really be a match for Tom?

I think the obvious choice here is Brittney Spears. She’s young enough to be attractive for Tom but not so young that he’d have to go to her prom or anything uncomfortable like that. You also want somebody who looks young enough to be carded when buying liquor, but old enough to look at it as a compliment. Another point in her favor is the fact that sometimes she is a loon. Like she shaved her head and when she shaved, well not her head, and then gave everybody a front row seat to see it.

I’d write more, but my eyes think it’s bed time.

Vote For My Dog in The Race Not Yours

It’s gotten to the point that a regular guy (or gal) doesn’t have a voice in government unless they happen to be a Koch cousin at a family reunion. I imagine such a cousin might implore Misters Koch to ask a President Romeny to tackle his pet project, like paying billionaires simply for the pleasure of their company. Wait, that’s been done. See The Apprentice on NBC to flit your eyes lovingly at that beautiful rich guy with the weird hair. What I am saying, though, is Romney is Koch’s dog in the race, so don’t expect him (or the Senator from Pillsbury, for that matter) to listen to our voices.

So as citizens we are left to choose to shout at the top of our lungs and still be lost in the din that is the collective voices of industrialists, Geraldo Rivera and Meatloaf (he’s a conservative-the Internet says so).

And another thing, I don’t exactly think the Occupy and pee in public movement is the answer, although I admire their tenacity and determination (wait, those are the same thing) to take the government back and to start wearing deodorant (sorry, protesters).

What I would like to see is rich people stop playing the upper middle class and middle class against the working class. Put your hands out of your 5,000 square foot mansion and link with ours to make our voices heard. And, by that I don’t actually mean for you to get up from your home theatre, but simply vote for candidates who will represent us, not billionaires and special interest groups. So just to translate, that means Democrats. If they let us down, they’ll know it when they see the merry people in their (office) space, and I’m not talking “Glee”.

So to recap, unite with us to elect a new congress that listens to what the majority of the people need, and don’t let a dog like Romney become the President and don’t vote for the gray haired (to be generous) guy who said Payton Manning wasn’t a real American (or something to that effect, I forget the details). Oh, and just in case you’re upset about the other dog in the race, well let me tell you he’s peed on my foot too, but you got to scoop with the dog that brung ya, or something like that.

What Do You Want to be When You Grow Up?

My child just finished kindergarten with a program where the kids were dressed as what they want to be when they grow up. Oh, how deluded we are when we are young children. When I was around kindergarten age I think I wanted to be something like a soldier or an Air Force pilot. Later when I was a little bit older I was pretty sure I would be playing fullback for the Denver Broncos and my best friend Bob Hunsaker would be playing halfback in the same backfield.

The thing is that for most of us what we would like to be and what we can be are hardly ever aligned. After my pro football career was over, I was going to be the Democratic Senator from Colorado for two terms and then I was going to be President of the United States.

So if my plans had come to fruition, I would be having lunch right now in the Rose Garden of the White House. I wonder what Mitt Romney would think about going up against me in the fall? I know that I would have done more to de-Republicanize the House than Obama has done.

I think I’d create my own PAC called “Comedians for Progress” and send an army of them out with a videographer to follow members of congress around and make jokes about them. Admittedly, that would be like shooting fish in barrels. Well, come to think of it it’s probably pretty hard to shoot fish in barrels (You need to adjust for the way water can distort an image, hey like Republicans distort the truth. Nice tie in).

Anyway, back to deluded views of the world. I didn’t see any of the kids dressed in chinos, a short sleeve shirt and tie (customer service rep), not did I see any kids dressed in a Costco apron or a McDonalds hat. Also, thank goodness there were no bikini models or girls in the white coat not of a doctor, but of the annoying woman behind the fragrance counter that somehow is an authority figure because she has the nerve to dress like a doctor or scientist.

God bless those kids and may they have the dreams of the young for as long as possible and let’s pray that they all have their dreams come true.

Mitt Romney Has Stinky Feet

It is now general election season, so let the low-blow political attacks commence. I think I’ll go with stinky feet for Romney because it seems to rude and crass to suggest that Mormonism is somehow less Christian than your next brand of Christianity, although in all fairness, most of the really religious right probably do think that about Mormons.

It’s all the rage to call candidates un-American, either literally or in their hearts. After all, along with the ability to fight crime with their super power underwear, certain types have the super power ability to see into the hearts and minds of people (mostly Democrats) and see the true treachery of heart and mind. A good example is the Navy Cross winning Presidential Candidate who was more of a traitor than the brave member, I mean member of the Air Force Reservist Champaign unit. They flew jets that were out of date, so the unit would never see action in the Vietnam War. It has been theorized that while the traitor was out fighting for his country, the hero was drunk under a table somewhere. And then there was the U.S. Senate race in Georgia where the incumbent was a traitor who was such a traitor he won the Silver Star, the Bronze Star and the Purple Heart, among other medals. And he was such a traitor that he lost three limbs serving this country. It took a true patriot, who received draft deferrals during the Vietnam War, to expose this traitor and defeat him.

So let’s think of some nasty things to call candidates and let’s really make them stick! For Mike Coffman, let’s go with stinky breath for the shitty thing he said about Barack Obama. Let’s call Joe Coors Good Time Joe for all the time he has spent drinking his own brand. And let’s put it above a graphic showing tire tracks of a swerving car to imply he’s a drunk. He has a beer issue after all. Lastly, let’s find a Dick some place running for some public office and call him the big Dick.

On second thought, let’s name politicians (and other quasi-polititians, and well other poor victims) after Punk bands:

• Beastie Boys (Republican Presidential Candidates)
• Bedwetters (Donald Trump, Jr. and others)
• The Black Halos (House Ethics Committee)
• Blood for Blood (Democratic House Election Committee)
• The Body Count (John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor),
• Butthole Surfers (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Mark Foley)
• Career Suicide (Barack Obama)
• Cherry Poppin’ Daddies (Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwartzenegger)
• Crime (Richard Nixon)
• The Crucifucks (Rick Santorum and friends)
• the Dictators (Hosni Mubarak, Vladimir Putin)
• Dirty District (D.C.)
• DIRT (House Republicans)
• Dogpiss (Senate Republicans)
• Easy Cure (all Republicans)
• Pimpbot (Todd Palin)
• Mindless Self Indulgence (Sarah Palin)
• Shakin’ Pickle (Anthony Weiner)
• Guns n Wankers (Scott Walker, and friends)
• Hard-ons (Young Democrats)
• Hatebreed (Tea Party)
• HorrorPops (any Senator over 80)
• Lard (Mitch McConnell)
• Mad Virgins (Young Republicans)
• the Meatmen (Log Cabin Republicans)
• Mob 47 (Tea Party)
• The Murder Junkies (Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney)
• Minor Threat (Ron Paul)
• Public Disturbance (Occupy Protesters)
• Pussy Riot (Michelle Bachmann)
• Screw 32 (Marcia Clark)
• Sloppy Seconds (George W. Bush)
• Stretch Armstrong (Mitt Romney)
• The Undead (Harry Reid)
• White Flag (Congressional Democrats)
• Lower Class Brats (Joe the Plumber)

A Snitch in Time

A snitch in time doesn’t save nine.

Lauren has been on a tear of ratting me out to my wife and beside the fact that it’s in her own interest to keep the extra TV time on the down-low (just kidding), I am concerned that she will become in the habit of ratting out her school mates during recess.

Beside the fact that nobody likes a stool pigeon, being a playground informant can have some serious consequences. Nobody wants their daughter (or son) on the receiving end of a popsicle stick shiv.

So to keep her from harms way, I am instructing her to do what every new kid in the school yard does, find the baddest , toughest and biggest kid in on the playground and knee him in his nut-sack, then give it to him-pow-in the kisser, and then all the other kids think she’s crazy and keep their distance.

Ok, so school is not really like every prison movie we’ve seen. But still, beside the fact that she shouldn’t feel the necessity to report any variation in parenting to the presumed generalissimo, I mean generalism-a of parenting, it’s important not to be one of those kids who tattle on everybody like Margaret from Dennis the Menace.

You might think I’m just trying to keep her from ratting on me, but really, I’m teaching her the law of the playground.

Anorexia Barbie

Lauren just opened one of the last birthday presents and it’s a Barbie with terribly thin legs. I understand that girls like Barbies, but the image they present is one of a six foot six grown woman with DDD sized breast, a sixteen inch waist and legs all the way up to Magic Johnson (wait, that might be something for a later blog), I mean Kareem Abdul-Jabbbar. People theorize that this may not be a great role model for children. I don’t disagree. But who takes a Barbie away from their child?

Now the Barbie looks like she has Anorexia Nervosa with legs you could accidently break like match sticks. Personally, I think women don’t need matchstick legs to be attractive and it’s generally better and more attractive for the to have some lean muscle there and elsewhere.

So I am proposing Gym-Rat Barbie, a Barbie who goes to the gym, plays sports like volleyball and golf and eats a sensible diet and works out for the fun and pleasure of it (something foreign to me unfortunately), wears sunscreen and doesn’t date that dog Ken.

I think the man for Barbie is a guy who does lots of reading, writing, doing (like fixing cars and woodwork, both things I am terrible at) and only occasionally acting like a total Ken and obsessing about his looks and his sport car. Let’s call him (I’m using my action-adventure

announcer voice) Jack Johnson, Action Hero (much better than that pussy Ken).

Classic GOP TV: Mitt Van Dyke

I am shocked at the similarities the Republican Presidential campaign has had to the classic TV show The Dick Van Dyke show. The main character in the charade of course is Mitt Van Dyke. Just as Rob Petrie has a clumsy streak, like when he trips on an ottoman during the show’s opening, Mitt Van Dyke trips on his words. Mitt Van Dyke says all sorts of things to harm his reputation, like when he was playing every man in Detroit and gushing how he and hiswife owned four cars, including three luxury cars. This is not going to resonate with Joe and Jane Wage Earner when they vote. Another great stumble is when Mitt Van Dyke says he “likes to fire people who provide services to him”. This statement speaks for itself. One of the best humdingers is when Mitt confides he is not concerned about the poor. Though he sounds out of his mind, he may have not meant these quotes to sound as smarmy as they do, but any well-versed politician should know things he says will be taken out of context. And like Freud said, there are no accidents. Or was it Jung? Anyway, I know Fraser Crane said it. Therefore, it very well may be that down in his heart Mitt really believes these terribly insensitive things he says, but one way or the other he’ll have a hilarious time digging out of this hole! Presumably, when things go south for Mitt Van Dyke, he can look toward his loving wife.

Just as Laura Petrie is warm and supportive, Ann Petrie Romney is the clumsy wife (of a clumsy man) who gets stuck behind a proverbial inflatable raft when the campaign makes hay over a private consultant’s comment that she has never worked a day in her life. It was rightly pointed out that she perhaps shouldn’t be villainized because she has had a privileged life; however, if I was talking to Ann and she tried to play the working mother card, I’d respond a la Lloyd Bentsen, “I had a working mother, Mrs. Romney, and you are no working mother.” Mrs. Romney has had MS, so I will take her at her word that she has struggled. Still with that in mind, it’s reprehensible that she is campaigning against a law that undoubtedly is helping people with diseases, such as MS.

I wouldn’t be a self-respecting, well what ever I am, if I didn’t play the polygamist card, mainly because it’s too tempting, and of course because he is a public figure he is open to satire. For all you Mormons reading this, I don't think you are polygamists. It's just for fun. Former Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann makes a fine sister wife Laura Petrie because of a general resemblance to the actor Mary Tyler Moore. Plus, Michele Bachmann represents Minnesota in Congress, while another Character of Mary Tyler Moore, Mary Richards, lives in Minneapolis. Coincidence? Not on your life! Just like the TV Laure Petrie stuck her foot in her mouth when she was tricked into revealing TV boss Alan Brady was bald, Michelle Bachman stuck her foot in her mouth when claiming John Wayne was from Waterloo, IA, when in fact serial killer John Wayne Gacy was from the city.

Playing the roll of Buddy, you get crazy, wisecracking Rick Santorum who will do anything for a laugh. One of the best Buddy quotes was when Rick Santorum said, “I don’t want to go to a trade war...I want to go to war with China…”

Another great one was when Buddy Rick said there should be penalties for not evacuating for a hurricane, like dying is not one of them. My personal favorite is when he said he wanted to throw up when listening to the JFK speech about separation of church and state. Who says they want to throw up about a martyred U.S. President? Doesn’t that Lincoln, just makes you sick the way he panders to the African Americans? A great one is when Buddy Rick compared being gay to being black. Both are bad, he implies, but at least you can cure being gay. “There are people who were gay and lived the gay lifestyle and aren’t anymore. I don’t know if that’s the similar situation or that’s the case for anyone that’s black. It’s a behavioral issue as opposed to a color of the skin issue, and that’s the diff for serving in the military.” Ok. Enough on Rick.

Man crazy Sally, is played by Marcus Bachmann. Bachmann oozes femininity. Enough said. It may not be nice to call him “Sally”, but neither is he in comparing gays to barbarians.

Loose canon Jerry is played by Orly Taitz. Both say crazy things, like when Jerry badgered Rob about the Brady show being as good as Ben Hur and Taitz badgering Barack Obama about his birth certificate. And they’re both dentists.

Millie is played by Ann Coulter. Both Millie and Ann are prone to throw hysterical fits, Millie mostly by living Laura’s life vicariously; Ann by mostly by living Bill Maher’s life vicariously.

Producer Mel is played by Michael Steele. It is probably not fair to Michael, but he really was a lackey like Mel while he was DNC Chairman. Truly

it is a shame because from watching him on television, he seems pretty intelligent.

Finally, the Big Kahuna, the real man in charge of the show, Alan Brady, is played, of course by Rush Limbaugh. It’s hard to know which man is more of a blowhard. Brady’s specialty is browbeating people with his boorish mannerisms and loose attitude toward marriage, like when he cheats on his wife. Limbaugh’s known for browbeating everyone and for his loose attitude toward marriage, like when he has three wives. Brady’s known for picking on defenseless women, like when he constantly harangues brother-in-law Mel. Limbaugh is known for picking on seemingly defenseless women, like when he accused Sandra Fluke of being a prostitute.