French Toast & Other Culinary Arts (a Little Blue (Dirty))

People brag a lot about what they do in the proverbial boudoir. Every guy likes to think he’s the best that has ever walked the face of the earth, but that’s just not possible. I am the best that has ever walked the face of the earth. It’s not that I am any bigger than the next guy. In fact, I don’t know how I compare to other men because I was never one to sneak a peak in the shower. Plus, I’m a grower, not a shower. What makes me amazing in bed is the fact that I do ____ and then I do ____ and I never let her leave without doing ___. And I don’t use whipping cream or chocolate sauce or even strawberries and champagne. Those are just props. My signature move is called, French toast, but first let me go over some important things to remember.

Ok. Well, let’s start with the fact that I don’t really think I’m the best in the world. North America, yes, the world, no. There are probably lots of wonderful men that do the things their women love. But vanity makes guys want to be better then the next guy in bed. Really? It’s a bit ironic to brag about being the best in the bedroom and never have vacuumed it. Well, I have vacuumed the bedroom. It’s not what it is cracked up to be, so don’t feel compelled to go out and vacuum to prove a point. But, we leave lots of messes around and we catch lots of grief from our spouses and girlfriends (and the odd neat freak hooker we might bring home), and they would love some help. Nobody says I did those dishes last night so hard then afterwards I gyrated a mop around a kitchen floor and got it all wet and sudsy. It’s just ironic we don’t care about cleaning house when that would make our partners just as orgasmically satisfied. Not that I’m preaching because if they had prison for sloppy, I’d be on death row. But cleaning is like steroids for the sexual Olympics only there are no cups to pee in. It will only make you more fabulous (but not as fab as me,← wait I shriveled up a bit for some reason).

Another surefire way to sexual prowess is to give your penis a nickname. Let’s makes some small extremely large suggestions. If it’s possible that something warm and fluffy might be named the same thing my suggestion is to avoid such names. Don’t go with Buffy, Cuddles, Cupcake, Mittens, Fuzzy-Wuzzy or Checkers. Also avoid any confusing names like Muffy and Charlie. Muffy is the name if your penis’ best friend. Charlie is the enemy in “Full Metal Jacket”. However,try to pick something menacing and powerful. After all, you need to strike a little fear into that little pussy. That pussy needs to know it’s going to be ridden hard, put away wet and have a hitch in her giddy-up the next day. Try picking something like Zeus, king of the gods (and able to seduce any woman, goddess or human he wants), Jumbo or Dick Tracey, who lays down the law (and a comely meter maid). In general any type of name indicating manly power and sovereignty is good, with one exception. Avoid Hades. King of the underworld is something you want, but king of the dead just sends the wrong message.

But I digress. My reason for being here is to give you the recipe for my signature move, French Toast. First you put your ____________ inside her ______ and slowly ______. Then you want to use your ________ like what nature really meant it to be used. First you ____ your ____ _____ and then reach in her _____ and ___ until she _____. Then don’t forget to keep _________ and gradually increase the tempo. Repeat, repeat again. Have a paper bag handy incase the multiple ______ cause her to hyperventilate.

Oh, this may cause some bodily injury, so be sure you are in a committed relationship. You are going to need somebody to take care of you when you sprang your ____ doing _____.