Off My Medication

Summer is almost here and so I think there are some observations worth noting. Next time you see a couple out sunbathing and the man seems to be burning, while the lady is quite bronze in her black bikini and her arms are quite sinewy, heed the following. Do not offer the gentleman sunscreen for what they do at the swimming pool is quite their own business? What the heck? You say. That sunburn might be part of their private relationship.

Well these days there are a lot of people who have secret lives. For instance, when I am not writing this blog, I spend most of my time taking dead mice and dressing them up in costumes. Wait that was Steve Carroll in "Dinner For Schmucks". No, what I do is..., well come to think of it I don't know what I do anymore. I certainly don't work, at least in the traditional sense since I am part of the legion of the unemployed. I do spend a lot of time on Facebook exasperating my friends to no end for coming up with all kinds of crazy posts which take their logical line of thought and wrap it around a telephone pole. No, what I do is I spend time with my daughter, which is not work, but it still exhausts and enriches me a the same time. Today she was outside playing with her water table, which is a toy mainly for younger children (my wife said she could play with it, so I bow to the supreme commander of parenting, sarcasm?). And she already had plenty of toys to play with in the water, so when she wanted more toys, I told her she could have one more.

Then she asked, "Can I have two more?"

"Two more is fine." I said.

And of course she had to respond," Is three more fine?"

Before I move on, you may be confused about the difference between water tables and water boards. Water tables are for adorable children like my daughter. Waterboards are for international terrorists like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed (and smart ass radio talk show hosts who have too much swagger and think getting waterboarded is just like drinking a lot of water).

Oh, back to what I do all day. Well, I look for jobs, but that is not what it used to be. Gone are the days when people pound the pavement looking for work. Well, at least as far as I am concerned, they are. Everything is digital these days so, while back in the day when I was twenty-three and looking for a job right out of college, I would do a lot of walking and a lot of talking. Then after I got tired of looking for jobs I'd find a nice place to plant myself for breakfast. Strangely alcohol was not involved. Come to think of if, if had drank, perhaps I would have had a more successful job hunt. Later, I would keep looking, all the while knowing that there was a little voice whispering in the back of my head that this was all futile...you see the guy who wrote What Color is Your Parachute gave examples of people who got straight A's in school and had wonderful job experience, not only while they were in college, but in high school too. If Richard Nelson Bowles had met me, I am convinced he would have put down the doobie he was smoking and remarked like the psychologist in the movie Office Space, "That's some fucked up shit!"

Well, back to what I do or might do in my secret life. Well, I could go to the Philippines and haul my job back to the states. I think that would be beneficial. Well, I'm talking about the good job I had for eight years, not the (shit) job working for that worthless company. Put it this way, if jobs had legs and they wore a generals cap and aviator sunglasses, and this shitty job came to the Philippines and announced, "I have returned!" The Philippines would have responded "Yeah? Well, get the **** out of here!"

I'm not bitter. Honestly!

Another thing I have noticed about my job hunts is from time to time while looking for work, I would see a really cute girl from high school named Cindy Ranta (who has always been and always remain just a friend). I should tell you that I have a freaky way of remembering when and where I saw certain people, and I realize this is not normal. Also, while it would seem that I have been out of a job since they started giving jobs out, I have actually been gainfully employed for most of my adult life. But every time I saw Cindy, I was out wearing out my shoes trying to get a job, or perhaps sometimes I was just underemployed. I saw her in 1987 near an office building on Colorado Blvd., in 1992 at Villa Itallia Mall in Lakewood and then again around 1994 downtown in front of an office building. And now, she has come back in my life by way of Facebook and I am again out of work and I am again pounding the virtual pavement looking for a job. That is my secret life.

So back to the couple sunning themselves. Well, when my wife came down just an hour ago to get some aloe on her sunburn, it occurred to me that sunburns must be particularly pleasurable for for the type who like to strap on the leather and lay a slap on a loved one for fun.

Sorry for the roundabout trip. I think I need my ADD meds.