I Like My Women Like My Pickles

I like my women like my pickles: hot & spicy... and green. And I am serious about that. I'd like in my next life to be dating a Rachel Hunter lookalike who recycles and drives an electric car. I think this will never happen, except in the nexus of my heaven and her ****. I can't make myself say it's her hell, because I know that I may be fat, but at least I am funny in bed. So it could be worse.

But how much of an advantage is it to be funny in bed? To be truthful, being funny in bed never worked out very well for me. I ended up washing a lot of pillowcases from my bedmates' snot and tears. Well, I confess that I might have embellished the previously mentioned snot and tears, but not the pee. Well, I made a couple of chicks lose their shit in bed. That's the truth, too much bodily fluids, etc, but still the truth. So...well, I can commit to giving her my funny bone. That's one thing you like to brag about at the fraternity--I gave that hot little Pi Phi my funny bone all night long!

Men really do like to brag about their sexual conquests. I never really did much bragging because, well...well... I have quiet a few good reasons (poor excuses). All the girls I liked in high school had already known Jerry Foote*, and nobody wants a girl with Foote-prints on her.

The college women I knew were stuck up. They had refined taste and they thought I was byproduct. That chick I dated a couple of times didn't know anybody on campus, so what was the point of bragging? I'll confess now, I just kissed her. You don't brag about that. Well, thank god I could brag I had a date. That bitch made me take her to a Woody Allen movie! I hate Woody Allen. That's why we never clicked. She really wasn't a bitch. You want to be edgy until you realize all the people it would hurt. I didn' like Hannah and her Whiny Hags, but otherwise I like Mr. Allen's work.

I couldn't brag about the stupid downtown women who liked guys in suits with jobs. I could go on and on, but what's the point? I had no job and I was getting fatter by the day. By the time I got into shape and had a job, I really didn't have any interest in women because they would have fouled up my workout routine. Everybody knows once you get a girlfriend you get lazy. And why end a completely good narcissistic love affair with my muscles and ability to run and count at the same time (on Bally's Health's indoor jogging track)?

Bragging aside, people ought to date for the joy of meeting new people and it should be the same for exercising to be more attractive. It's a shame people can't exercise for the joy of playing a game, or running or just walking in the sunshine or in the rain. They would probably be in better shape, and attract more SI cover models, or attract normal people who will be better company, but in the end cost you more since an entrée is normally more expensive than salad.

I can tell you I have always worked out for the sheer joy of knowing no matter what a pig I was that day, it would not stop me from running 65 freek'n laps. I'd like to be somebody who plays ultimate Frisbee in an old faded t-shirt with a glib little catch phrase and has a perfect maintenance free body, but that's not me. I was a roly-poly kid who was terrible at sports. I grew into a tall, strong (and somewhat less fat) young man who was fairly decent playing football and wrestling. This all relates because SI cover models and plain chicks like a guy who's in shape (and has a job).

What wisdom have I garnered from my experience dating and practicing extreme exercise for a mate? Beautiful women are like a piece of gold. Once you find one, keep it close to you and touch it and look at it day and night. But it may not be realistic to expect an SI cover model. Meet a nice girl you like take a picture of her and paste her head on the the top of Rachel Hunter's body in SI.

But moreover, be funny, or not, because being that way suits and amuses you. And exercise for your love, not somebody else's because in the end the only lover who will really appreciate that you ran 65 laps around the track at the gym is you. Oh, this is also important: a Twinkie once or twice when you are young is ok and probably healthy, but for the long haul look for something and someone with substance.

*Jerry Foote is one of the coolest people I have known in my life and I only kid him because he's so awesome.