Loaves & Fishes and All Beef Wieners

This is a story of a wiener that would not fit the bun andthe girl who pitched a fit because of it. And by the way, this is not a metaphor for anything but a wiener, a bunand a girl.

Today was a difficult day for my daughter Lauren, as forsome reason she was just in a mood to be sad. It is hard to explain, unless something happened at school that set heroff, but sometimes she gets like this. It was just Lauren and me for supper. Since we went to Sonic for lunch, I made a typical dad mistake inengaging the mouth before the brain is engaged. However, she likes hot dogs and it issomething she will gladly eat, so that’s what she would have for supper.

The first mistake I made was for the bun to have a littletear in it. She freaked!

“Now I want a ham and cheese sandwich!” She shouted.

“You chose a hot dog.” I replied calmly.

“No!”

“Listen, you need to eat your hot dog because you choseit.” I said to her.

She was no longer in a mood to negotiate so her lips werefirmly pursed and she was not going to give an inch, or 2.5 centimeters (she ishalf Canadian).

So I decided it was the time to hold the hot dog for her and let her take a bite. Every time I moved the dog toward her face, she moved the exact equal distance away from thedog. It was just like when the demon from the movie "the Exorcist" moved his crucifix directly toward the demon in Regan, and the demon would make the complete opposite move to avoid it.

Then she projectile vomited 2% milk. It was then I took the holy water, well sinceI am half Jewish, it was actually the bottled water they gave me from Temple Beth Douglas Countyand I began to exercise the demon. Bythe way, the hot dog was an all beef dog.

I loaded up my squirt gun and let her rip. So I shouted at the demon, “Oy Vey! What! You don’t have anything better tado? You’re so mashugana!” Like I said, I’m half Jewish.

Then I heard a voice in my head and it said…break the loavesand fishes in half…no, break the hot dog in half.

It was then the demon was exercised and my daughter hadreturned. 'Good thing you didn’t give her ham and cheese, the voice said. 'And by the way, you put cheese on that all-beef hot dog. Satan wasn't pissed, I was.'


People say there is a Jewish humor than comes from being oppressed. Well, I grew up with pretty decent privileges, so I guess the Jewish sense of humor didn't develop or didn't come with the Six Tribes of Israel.

BTW, I am not mocking Christianity or Judaism. I believe in making a decent effort at being kosher, but of course I don't really always hit the mark (like when I had a cheese burger at Sonic today). I really did get the idea to cut the hot dog from the loves and fishes story and then there was no longer a tear in the bun and now she had two hot dogs, not one.