Mitt Romney Has Stinky Feet

It is now general election season, so let the low-blow political attacks commence. I think I’ll go with stinky feet for Romney because it seems to rude and crass to suggest that Mormonism is somehow less Christian than your next brand of Christianity, although in all fairness, most of the really religious right probably do think that about Mormons.

It’s all the rage to call candidates un-American, either literally or in their hearts. After all, along with the ability to fight crime with their super power underwear, certain types have the super power ability to see into the hearts and minds of people (mostly Democrats) and see the true treachery of heart and mind. A good example is the Navy Cross winning Presidential Candidate who was more of a traitor than the brave member, I mean member of the Air Force Reservist Champaign unit. They flew jets that were out of date, so the unit would never see action in the Vietnam War. It has been theorized that while the traitor was out fighting for his country, the hero was drunk under a table somewhere. And then there was the U.S. Senate race in Georgia where the incumbent was a traitor who was such a traitor he won the Silver Star, the Bronze Star and the Purple Heart, among other medals. And he was such a traitor that he lost three limbs serving this country. It took a true patriot, who received draft deferrals during the Vietnam War, to expose this traitor and defeat him.

So let’s think of some nasty things to call candidates and let’s really make them stick! For Mike Coffman, let’s go with stinky breath for the shitty thing he said about Barack Obama. Let’s call Joe Coors Good Time Joe for all the time he has spent drinking his own brand. And let’s put it above a graphic showing tire tracks of a swerving car to imply he’s a drunk. He has a beer issue after all. Lastly, let’s find a Dick some place running for some public office and call him the big Dick.

On second thought, let’s name politicians (and other quasi-polititians, and well other poor victims) after Punk bands:

• Beastie Boys (Republican Presidential Candidates)
• Bedwetters (Donald Trump, Jr. and others)
• The Black Halos (House Ethics Committee)
• Blood for Blood (Democratic House Election Committee)
• The Body Count (John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, Eric Cantor),
• Butthole Surfers (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Mark Foley)
• Career Suicide (Barack Obama)
• Cherry Poppin’ Daddies (Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwartzenegger)
• Crime (Richard Nixon)
• The Crucifucks (Rick Santorum and friends)
• the Dictators (Hosni Mubarak, Vladimir Putin)
• Dirty District (D.C.)
• DIRT (House Republicans)
• Dogpiss (Senate Republicans)
• Easy Cure (all Republicans)
• Pimpbot (Todd Palin)
• Mindless Self Indulgence (Sarah Palin)
• Shakin’ Pickle (Anthony Weiner)
• Guns n Wankers (Scott Walker, and friends)
• Hard-ons (Young Democrats)
• Hatebreed (Tea Party)
• HorrorPops (any Senator over 80)
• Lard (Mitch McConnell)
• Mad Virgins (Young Republicans)
• the Meatmen (Log Cabin Republicans)
• Mob 47 (Tea Party)
• The Murder Junkies (Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney)
• Minor Threat (Ron Paul)
• Public Disturbance (Occupy Protesters)
• Pussy Riot (Michelle Bachmann)
• Screw 32 (Marcia Clark)
• Sloppy Seconds (George W. Bush)
• Stretch Armstrong (Mitt Romney)
• The Undead (Harry Reid)
• White Flag (Congressional Democrats)
• Lower Class Brats (Joe the Plumber)