The Savage Throws of Anarchy

Paul W. Michel, Jr.

Take-home midterm

History 3051

U.S. Electoral Politics 2008-Present

Instructor: Professor Sarah Palin, Ph.D.

University of Alaska, Nome Beach

October 19, 2046

The Fabulous Election of 2016

The election year started with “Democrats” debating “principles” and “ideas”, while the real men on the other side of the aisle had a debate of penile proportions. There was “Little Marco”, “Ted Cruzerweight” and one spectacular entry, “Big Little”.  The latter was a compelling ten centimeters of massive manliness, ingeniously managed by real estate and television star Baron Yonald Von Scheibe Fub.  He managed his manliness with a system utilizing an air hoist to get “Big Little” up.

The Democratic Party’s historic response to a knife fight was to bring a knife, so the party’s natural response to a pencil contest was neither the famous wife of a president, nor the popular pinko-commie, but the former governor of Maryland, whose name I can’t recall.

The Republican National Committee, after 183 ballots, selected a nostalgia ticket of Spiro Agnew III and Tailgunner Joseph McCarthy Thurmond, but purposely thumbed its nose at the popular business man, who had clearly won a plurality of delegates. 

However; not to be denied, Scheibe Fub shocked the nation  (without a raincoat) by forming a third party candidacy; however, there was a second third party candidacy (or a first fourth party candidacy) of a man said to be identical to William Jennings Bryan in common appeal and geezer-eccentricity.

People naturally gravitated toward, but ultimately rejected the everyman benefits of populist Bernie Sanders O’Time (the first Jewish-Irish candidate for president).  Instead they rallied to the national power campaign of Scheibe Fub, who was the leader the country yearned for after eight dark years and the untold suffering of countless Southern Senators and other KKK sympathizers.  Here was a leader who saved the nation from the savage throws of anarchy, which in actuality became the hit TV show by the same name. 

 

In “Savage Throws of Anarchy” contestants pitted themselves in the ring against a couple of nasty bitches with ten million dollars in cash at stake.  Scheibe Fub’s first and second first ex-wives, Firstdiggsgold and Paymelots Maypoles fought nasty and dirty for the money, but you did too if you intended to walk away with twelve million dollars (after a negative 20% tax on the job creators). 

Anyway, back to the ’16 election.  Scheibe Fub became the first third party candidate to win the presidency.  He placed third in the Electoral College and fourth in the popular vote; however, no candidate was able to win a majority of electoral votes and the choice was kicked to the House of Reprehensibles. 

Despite Sanders O’Time’s lead in the Electoral College and the popular vote, the members of the House were clearly spooked by the idea of a crankatarian socialist in the White House.  That guy from Maryland (Martin something) received the second most electoral and popular votes, but sadly the electors couldn’t remember his name and selected Scheibe Fub. 

Scheibe Fub brought with him his beautiful third wife, Shedigisgold, who was bought from the slave market of Shesyungertantjirty where she was forced to pose nude, snort cocaine and dance for horny old men of 55+.  He also brought his son, Yonald Scheibe Fub, Jr., and his daughter Firstdiggsgoldvanka Scheibe Fub-Scheibe Fub, who were his Secretary of State and his Secretary of Lotteries and Casinos, respectively.

Firstdiggsgoldvanka authored and secured passage of legislation legalizing casinos in every city in the country and every truckstop between the Atlantic and Pacific and Canada and Mexico. Scheibe Fub, Jr., became the most famous Secretary of State ever because of his revolutionary statesmanship.  Yonald, Jr. put aside factions in favor of television diplomacy. 

Junior became the host and producer of such television classics as "Survivor:  West Bank" and "NATO:  North Atlantic Treaty Operation", the show that airdrops competing teams into the third world who race to overthrow governments for cash and prizes.  And there was the old favorite "Who Wants to Win a Missile System?" 

Scheibe Fub, Sr. became the architect of domestic policy and was true to his campaign promise and built a wall along the Mexico border. Mexicans were utilized to the extent that their skills were needed (i.e. they worked on the wall); although when the particular worker’s job ended it posed quite a quandary.  Scheibe Fub brilliantly solved this by simply catapulting the worker back to Mexico when he was no longer needed.   

People at first thought the national parks policy was part genius and part accident.  The Secretary of the Interior, Older Wider Lackey was wrongly thought to be a broken man, whose boisterous denunciations changed to unabashed cheering.   He began to remedy the national parks' dwindling budgets by allowing concessionaires greater access.  People had to pay a little less to get in and they found they could enjoy a Grand Slam breakfat of pancakes, eggs and bacon while they watched Old Faithful spout off.  Or they could happily patronize the drive through of In-and-Out burger while enjoying the grandeur of The Grand Canyon.

The only conclusion regarding this election thirty years ago can be, Scheibe Fub promised “It’s gonna be great.” And it was! 

© Paul W. Michel