You Smell Like Tuna-Manly Tuna

So today my wife tells me I smell like tuna, although I have not been near tuna in any way shape or form.

That got me to thinking about fragrances. We spend a lot of money as a country on little bottles of chemicals to make us smell better. People say babies smell good, so I think why not just rub yourself against a baby (in the non-creepy way). But I hear you complaining that you just don't have a baby.

To make a baby, the first thing you need to do is make your spouse "in the mood". For guys, getting in the mood is not too hard. The truth is that even when walking the garbage out to the sidewalk, your husband is thinking about porking somebody. But like the character Nuke LaLoosh from "Bull Durham", the key is accuracy. What you need your husband to be is in the mood for you. So go ahead and get the expensive fragrance (was this all about smelling good by holding a baby?), the hot short skirt, etc. and he'll be yours.

Now guys, this is just for you (you ladies go ahead and scan on down to the last paragraph).

The fact is that if you are a mid-married couple (i.e. you've been married since time began), you will need more than your wife trying to look hot. You probably will need some visual help. And I'm talking about seeing somebody naked, other than your wife. There are always magazines (I am told) to get you in the mood. But also don't underestimate the value of Skinimax. Softcore porn can do what your wife dressing up can not. But don't let her catch you. If you put a smile on her face (wink, wink) the last thing you need to happen is for her to come downstairs the next day and find the TV on Cinemax. So put it on the Christian Broadcasting Network when you are done. She won't suspect a thing once she sees that wrinkly old man talking to her. The last time Pat Robertson made anybody horny was when he boinked Ethel Merman.

Holly shit! Two things about Ethel Merman. One is she was once married to Ernest Borgnine. I guess that's how Commander McHale got the wind in his sails. Secondly about Ethel, she used to be hot! Who knew? (see picture to the right)

This blog entry isn't really about making babies-it's about cheap laughs, so let's move on.

Even I am having trouble wrapping my mind around this; however, guys, if it is you who wants to smell genuine baby fragrance, you need to bend her over on the nearest piece of furniture and do what comes naturally. WAIT! Don't do what comes naturally. Just rub her back with no intention of rubbing anything else, and only with the ulterior motive of making her feel better because you appreciate all she does for you. Also, never underestimate the effect of the un-asked-for chore. I don't understand how doing the dishes can make anybody wet but myself, but some mysteries will never be solved. Vacuuming can kill two birds with one stone. First, like doing the dishes, it will help her get in the mood. Secondly, if you think things might end up on the carpet, you want her to be the only bunny you see. Dust bunnies stuck to her ass will leave an indelible impression in your mind and may muck up the works for later trysts.

And about the two birds bit. Don't really kill anything. I don't think they like it when you take some beautiful thing from nature and put it up on your wall. The exception of course is if you were to put up one of those douche bags from that vampire series or well anybody hot, really, but I digress.

Finally, now that you are ready to try to make a baby, let me tell you one last thing. If you have listened to any piece of my advice, you are crazier than me. What do I know about any of this?