People haven’t been dissing the J-man like this for nearly 2000 years. It was just after Christmas in the year 0000 and when Mary was just getting back into the routine and getting used to the three AM feedings and Joseph was looking forward to relaxing and watching a few good New Years Day bowl games when word came down from heaven that Heroud had sent some terminators down from Jerusalem to put a hit on the baby Jesus.
The terminators were those called the sling-blade mafia. And Thus the terminators were of the ungodly sort that would lie with their own kind.
Joseph was to get his ass in gear and hightail it down to Egypt before the baby killers caught up with them and caused the baby Jesus to melt them with his killer laser eyeballs. 
So despite the fact that Troy was playing Sparta that New Years day in the Jerusalem Bowl, Mary went out to the grocery and stocked up on plenty of Pampers and Gerber Savior food and Joseph loaded up the ass with lots of blankets, cheese puffs, flat bread and cold cuts along with a portable radio and his lap-top (so he could make sure he kept posting pictures of baby J on Face Scroll). And they headed down to Cairo and looked forward to seeing American Pharaoh and Chariots of the Gods playing down at the Rialto. 
To pass the time on the Interstate camel trail, they played a game of Mad Libs.
Sometimes our best laid plans are laid to waste because right as they left Nazareth, assassins crossed their paths and caused Joseph to exclaim, “…and we were making good time!”
Well, these people were intent on putting an end to the baby Jesus right then and there and they had no qualms about ruining the Christmas shopping seasons from then until eternity, but fate had other plans.
One of the killers was sent from Haroud and was named Wayne Lapierrieroulous. He was the bad guy with a sling the angels had been warning Joseph about. In fact it was the archangel Michael who said “The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a sling is a good guy with a sling.” Of course, Joseph was a believer in non-violence and he had faith a higher power would see them safely to Egypt; and, he had enjoyed some local players in a weekly series called “Kung Fu”. In this series, a Shoulin Monk who had come to Israel often met those who were hateful and bigoted. They would always resort to violence but Kung Fu would kick the shit out of them using karate.
So if Lapierrieroulous tried snuffing out poor baby Jesus for a reward, Joseph was prepared. He did not need a loaded sling near by. In all actuality, many studies done by Rome determined slings in the home were 80% more likely to be used on a loved one or on one’s self, although Joseph thought only an Assyrian would be stupid enough to shoot himself with his own sling. But Joseph believed in playing the odds and he also knew that should some evil-doers come their way, he would prevail. He hadn’t been working out at Goldstein's Gym for nothing.
And Mary was never one to suffer the ungodly and was rumored to have shouted, “Push me, bitch I’m on edge. Push me , I’ll lose my head. Looketh mine thunder. Fucketh mine, thoust six feet undereth.”
Still, Wayne Lapierrieroulous never was one to miss a chance to fuck around with Jesus so he cocked his sling back and was about to let loose a high hard one to Jesus’ temple when Joseph just lookethed. But Lapierreerlous had let lose the stone cold and it was flying through the air threatening Joseph’s baby. Joseph jumped up and caught the rock in mid air and then as he came down he rabbit punched Lapierreerlous in his tiny balls, and they spilled onto to the ground as he cried like a baby.
“Thy shouldn’t’sst fuck with Jesus.” Joseph retorted. “We knoweth thoust true colors, thy serpent of a jackal’s butt.”
It was then when the ground opened up and a demon climbed out of the depths of the earth.
Lapierrerlous turned to him and shouted, “Thou art a demographically significant demon, B. Hu-satan Obama!”
And B. Hu-satan Obama replied, “Jesus hath a friend in me and I smiteth thee.” And just as he had uttered the words and they hung in the air like a cartoon balloon, a thunder was heard coming from the sky.
Lapierrerlous looked up and witnessed a great bird. And suddenly a hissing came from that giant bird like as if it were carrying a serpent in its belly. And low and behold the bird launched the snake at Lapierrerlous and he was engulfed in fire.
“Thou hast hadth thine ass barbecued,” B. Hu-satan Obama quipped.
It was then that an angel came to bring a message to Joseph.
Back in the land of Judea, there was a regime change. Heroud had been deposed by an older man from the future of most liberal views and he instituted a policy of sling control all throughout the land. And that man’s name was Bernicus Sanders of Times.
He prayed to the gods and they answered by sending a friendly terminator back through the eons of time. The terminator, called Picard de Borgus drove throughout the land on his iron horse and hunted the sling-blade mafia. 
But the people shouted “Thous pry mine sling from mine coldest deadest hands” so when their new leader Jim-Jonesacus willed that they drink the kook-aid and they all died and went to a place
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