Law & Order and Octogenarians

I used to love watching TV shows where those cute old people would come along and solve crimes; however I found it a shame the local police force in those small towns were so inept a retired librarian born when Woodrow Wilson was President could solve a mystery the police couldn't. If I were the mayor of an island town that had a murder every week, first of all, I’d hope I was wearing depends because mayors make a lot of enemies, and I’d be wondering when I’d get the ironic punishment smart asses like me receive. All I can say is I eat a lot of burritos. With a small town having the per capita murder rate of New York City and Los Angeles combined, I would start taking yoga with the goal of eventually kissing my ass good bye.

Then I’d fire the entire police force! Oh, crap! I take that back. Policemen have guns. Ten pissed off ex-policemen in a town where anger management is daggers and strychnine would make me as nervous as a fat man at Weight Watchers+. Let the new mayor fire them-I’m headed to Mexico with the general fund. Embezzlement is small potatoes in this den of assassins. On second thought, absconding with the town’s money is not a great idea after all. Criminals make good posse members because they have their own guns. You deputize a bunch of killers and you have the criminals running the police force. Well, a ton of other things would be different if librarians really solved crimes.

Another funny thing about crime shows is you had the kindly old lawyer, who has a staff of Goober and Aunt Bea, yet he defends clients and solves crimes and in the process. He always is proving his clients' innocence, and he has never defended a guilty man. The funny thing is most people charged with crimes are guilty and that goes more so for murder suspects. Where is that kindly lawyer finding his innocent clients? One good place to look for innocent clients is Florida. There ain’t nobody guilty in FLA . Old Andy is going to move on down to Coral Gables, semi-retire and wait for some great grandpa to whack a dude because he (the dude) handed him his newspaper and the old fella nearly crapped his pants. My guess is ole Andy only defends clients that have a compulsive desire to plead guilty to a crime they didn't commit.

A few more things about old people solving mysteries. What about the priest who solves mysteries. What the hell? Sorry, Father. What the heck? I’m going to short form this one. The priest is sharp as a tack and he and his little friend the pretty nun (sorry Catholics, we know what’s going on, and to be truthful, priests and nuns should be allowed to shower together) always solve the mystery and catch the murderer. But then the bastard confesses. God…gosh darn it! Now the priest can’t turn him in! He just confessed! Like the man rich in wisdom, Dr. Phil, wouldsay…that dog won’t hunt!

+ I need to go to Weight Watchers.